The ‘overworked ladies’ at Squalington’s Club for Gentlemen have returned to work following a shocking incident with a candlestick holder. The strike reportedly began when two of the girls were beaten to death by Mr. Bill Pike, the well known owner and founder of Squalingtons. The incident was caused by one of the lady’s request to have her leg irons removed.

As is widely known, Mr. Pike will be in-eligible for prosecution under the current Brothel Owner Law. Under the controversial law the deceased workers and any dependants, are fully responsible for the incident and loss of productivity.

A spokesman for Mr. Pike has said that the Candlestick weapon was “proudly mounted in the foyer” of Squalingtons as a timely reminder to all those union minded empoyees intending to talk about “whores rights”.

Following the hype of Oscar week, THE MYSTERIOUS GEOGRAPHIC ADVENTURES OF JASPER MORELLO will be screening on SBS on Friday the 10th of March at 8.00pm. The DVD of Jasper Morello, including a making of featurette and other award winning films of director Anthony Lucas will be in stores March 15th. Go here to pre-order >>

Dear Editor,
I read today of the heart-rending events at the Cudgel Institute. As a graduate of Mr Cudgel’s establishment, I know how much these unfortunate deaths will grieve him.

I myself have witnessed this distinguished man shedding copious tears when one of his experimental disciplinarian techniques resulted in the exsanguination of one of my fellows. If you are in contact with him, please pass on my condolences.

On doctor’s orders, I myself am unable to contact him directly as being in his presence brings on an unpleasant seizure. This is the result, my physician informs me, of several extreme forms of discipline inflicted upon me while I was in residence at the Institute. I cannot tell you what these are as they were only revealed under the influence of mesmerism and my physician refuses to divulge their nature in fear of precipitating my death.

Most of the time, however, I find myself in robust good health and am in the process of seeking gainful employment. It would be of great assistance to me if you could inform me as to how I might find a position as a Galvonic Health Belt Fitter. I believe this particular form of work will be very suited to my nature. Although much of my body is disfigured by acid burns - the cause of which I have no memory - my hands remain relativley unscarred and are particularly strong and sensitive.

Yours sincerely,
Elijah Monckton Esq.

Mounting criticism of the Academy’ handling of the Plague epidemic, has led to the commisioning of numerous experimental procedures in the study of altitude. The Royal Academy of Aerobiology has commissioned Dr Claude Belgon to conduct experiments enroute to Lawrencia over the coming months, in conjunction with the Aerial Board of Authority. While 123,000 people have succumbed to the Magnetic Plague this month, First Minister Windermere Longfield was out of reach via videograph as he was attending a Sporting Exhibition in the Outer Regions League, adhering to his electoral mandate, “Sport before All.”

Two people were electrocuted today by the alleged overuse of the Galvonic Co.’s Electric Health Belt. The victims, Mrs. Marigold Klump and Lady Desmonda Clegg are recovering in a private hospice outside of Gothia. Denying any responsibility whatsoever, the Company have professed the cause of the problem to be that recipients of the remedial Belt have been “self-fitting”. A technician from Galvonic stated that any fittings must be achieved by a trained electrician. The preminent Curative of modern health problems, The Electric Health Belt, is none the less popular despite this being the third occurrence of electrocution this month.